Reframing Anger: Moving Beyond Anger Management in Boulder, Co.
The Myth of Anger Management
In today’s fast-paced culture, there’s a widespread belief that emotions like anger need to be managed or controlled. Many people search for a quick fix, hoping to find the perfect technique to "manage anger" effectively.
However, as a marriage and family therapist in Boulder, I often work with men who wrestle with anger and rage, and I've found that a deeper, more compassionate approach is more beneficial. Instead of viewing anger as something to be managed, what if we reframed it as an emotion that deserves understanding and compassion?
Research supports this approach, suggesting that emotional regulation is more effective when it involves sitting with or tenderly holding or expressing our underlying feelings rather than simply trying to control or suppress them (Gross & John, 2003).
Exploring Emotional Health in Men's Therapy
In my practice in Boulder, nestled in the shadow of the Flatirons, I’ve noticed two common experiences with anger, particularly among men. About half see anger as a core part of their emotional identity, while others view it as a protective layer that masks more vulnerable emotions like sadness, fear, or confusion.
At People Not Problems, our work focuses not on "anger management" but on connecting with authentic core emotions, whether the core emotion is anger and it has a sidekick of perhaps fear or if the expression of anger might protect the core emotion. This process aligns with findings in narrative therapy that emphasize the importance of allowing clients to retell their stories in ways that uncover hidden or marginalized feelings (White & Epston, 1990).
Compassion and Vulnerability: The Path to Emotional Health
Virginia Satir, who I see as the godmother of systemic and family therapy, might describe this journey as coming to see ourselves and each other as "shining stars" and that lasting change in how we connect with others and express emotions like anger comes from discovering congruence through our experiences.
Congruence is when what we think, feel, and experience with our senses all lines up. This therapeutic lens is supported by research showing that therapeutic environments that foster congruence and self-expression lead to more sustainable emotional health outcomes (Rogers, 1961). In men’s therapy, we explore various pathways to emotional health, whether through conversation, art, play, or other creative outlets.
Many men find that this process helps them develop tenderness towards themselves and others, a significant shift from the isolation or shame that often comes along with anger.
Looking Beneath the Surface: Anger as a Mask for Deeper Emotions
Consider a time when you felt an intense surge of anger—perhaps when your child ran toward the street or when you noticed your partner texting late at night, fearing potential betrayal. Often, just beneath that anger lies fear, sadness, or confusion.
In therapy, I frequently find that these core emotions are masked by anger, a pattern supported by research indicating that societal norms often encourage men to express anger over vulnerability (Jakupcak et al., 2005).
It’s easier to say, “I’m so pissed off,” than to vulnerably admit, “I’m scared when I see you on your phone at night, worried there might be someone else.”
Therapy for Men in Boulder: Embracing Emotional Complexity
Therapy for men in Boulder isn’t about suppressing anger or merely "managing" it. It’s about embracing the complexity of our emotions and understanding them with compassion and curiosity. By reframing anger not as an adversary but as a messenger, men can begin to explore the deeper, often hidden feelings beneath the surface. In doing so, they embark on a path to emotional health that honors their full range of experiences, promoting growth, understanding, and a more authentic connection with themselves and others. Contact David Lieberman, MFTC, today for a complimentary consultation and to lean into a more authentic relationship with yourself and others.
FAQ
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Anger management often focuses on controlling or reducing anger through specific techniques or strategies. In contrast, at People Not Problems, therapy for men goes deeper by respectfully co-exploring the underlying emotions and experiences that may bring about anger. This approach invites a more authentic connection to one's feelings and encourages vulnerability and self-compassion rather than just managing emotions.
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Therapy provides an emotionally safer space for men to explore their emotions without judgment. It helps men better understand the history of their anger and recognize it as a signal of more profound, often unacknowledged, feelings such as fear or sadness. Through collaborative co-exploration and experiential therapeutic techniques, men re-discover joy and freedom through authenticity, improving their emotional health and relationships.
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Anger is often a surface emotion that can mask more vulnerable feelings like fear, sadness, or confusion. By looking beneath the anger, men can uncover these core emotions and see with a clearer perspective the challenges affecting their emotional well-being. This deeper understanding can lead to more meaningful personal growth and more authentic relationships with others.
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At People Not Problems, therapy is tailored to meet each individual where they are in their emotional journey. We focus on creating a compassionate, non-judgmental environment where men can explore their authentic experiences and emotions. Through various therapeutic methods, including narrative therapy, art, and play, clients are encouraged to express themselves fully, fostering emotional health and a deeper connection to their true selves.
Ready to Take the Next Step?
If you're ready to explore your emotions in a safe and welcoming environment, we invite you to book a free consultation with David at People Not Problems. This initial meeting is the perfect opportunity to discuss your experiences and see how therapy can support your emotional well-being. Don't hesitate to take this courageous step towards a more fulfilling life. Schedule your free consultation today!
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