Emotionally Learning to Ride A Bike: experiencing transformational change
Unlocking the Power of Narrative Therapy in Boulder, Colorado
Are you seeking a transformative therapeutic experience in Boulder, Colorado? At People Not Problems, we specialize in narrative therapy, a unique approach that empowers individuals to reshape their personal stories and reclaim their lives.
Embracing the Legacy of Virginia Satir and Michael White
Our practice is deeply inspired by the pioneering work of Virginia Satir and Michael White. Satir's emphasis on communication, self-esteem, and family dynamics laid the groundwork for modern therapeutic practices. Michael White, co-founder of narrative therapy, introduced the concept of externalizing problems, allowing clients to separate their identity from their issues.
What is Narrative Therapy?
Narrative therapy, developed by Michael White and David Epston, is a collaborative and non-pathologizing approach that views problems as separate from the person. This method helps clients to re-author their lives by focusing on their values, skills, and knowledge. It’s about seeing your life as a story, and you as the author with the power to change the narrative.
Why Choose Narrative Therapy?
It’s no wonder that many clients who reach out to me for relationship therapy in Boulder are seeking quick relief. As humans, we often turn to therapy when we’re in pain, sensing that an important relationship is fracturing or that love and trust have been shattered. During our first complimentary video consult, I often hear questions like, “How quickly can I feel relief?” “Can you give me tools?” and “Will you be able to fix me/them/us?” I deeply empathize with these stories of human suffering and share the desire to provide immediate solutions to alleviate the hurt.
While I have a few tried and true interventions that help ease acute relationship distress, real change takes time and patience—with both ourselves and our loved ones. Clients sometimes feel reluctant to begin our work when they discover there’s no quick fix. Let’s pause here to define “fix.” Merriam-Webster defines fix as “to repair or mend” or “to restore or cure.” When we desire to fix our relationships, we’re hoping to repair or restore them. But to what point? How “fixed” do we desire to be as unique humans? Is the goal of therapy to transform you into the person that society indicates you “should” be?
That seems like a relatively easy fix (sarcasm)—just seek out people who outwardly look how you desire to be and emulate them. Work non-stop to earn more to buy more things, pursue body modification or restricted eating to look a certain way, or put your sadness away in a locked box to “cheer up” or “stop being so down.” I’m sure there are books on Amazon that can help with these “fixes.”
These sorts of fixes are actually first-order changes, or symptom reduction as described by Watzlawick et al. Yes, communicating more tenderly with ourselves and our partners improves connection and likely decreases conflict. However, if part of our voice is muffled, we might be acting out of alignment with our actual experience and just kicking the conflict down the road, not allowing ourselves to feel fully heard. Another example of a first-order change might be yelling at our children to “stop” when they’re acting out. Yes, this might “improve” our children’s behavior, but it doesn’t deepen our connection with them—it’s more of a management tool, a quick change that produces a short-lived response.
Achieving Lasting, Second-Order Change
So, how can you achieve lasting, second-order change? Our work together in counseling is highly curated to your understanding of what you most authentically desire. I’m careful not to tell you how you should be; that would be disrespectful at best. Fortunately, there isn’t one book that could “fix” you or your family because your uniqueness and humanity are far too complex and rich.
In individual or relationship therapy, we strive for second-order change. Davey et al., in part, credits Watzlawick et al. for writing extensively about the differences between first and second-order change from a family therapy lens. First-order change is when we seek relief by making something more or less; for example, “If I nagged them less, they’d do more, and we’d have more intimacy” or “If I meditate daily, then I’ll have less sadness.”
While these examples might prove true, they are not durable solutions because they only ease the symptoms and don’t address the root of the problems that often visit relationships. Second-order change is a transformational change to the rules altogether. It’s like going from worrying about a relationship’s course to embracing the mystery of all your relationships, fearing that your teenager is failing to thrive to celebrating the uniqueness of their thriving, or feeling enveloped by sadness and turning your gaze upwards to notice that you’re surrounded by light and love.
In "Change," Watzlawick et al. characterize second-order change as needing to be introduced from outside the relationship or family—similar to how those of us who ride bikes can introduce children to bike riding. We’re outside their experience and not entangled in the fear and reservation that the child may experience. This is not to say that as a therapist, I’m never scared or that I know how to ride all varieties of bikes. Still, being outside your relationship or family, I can facilitate change by co-exploring the rules you have come to understand. Together we can wonder how these rules serve or interfere with discovering the true joy and love of relationships and, metaphorically, begin to emotionally ride a bike.
Begin Your Journey Toward Connection
I invite you to experience the ease and exhilaration of the breeze in your hair as you find endless possibilities with the freedom that comes from knowing the life you most authentically desire.
Contact me today to begin your journey. Learn more about Couples Therapy or contact me directly.
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